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Calm and Compassionate Children - an interview with Susan Usha Dermond

Susan Usha Dermond is the director of Living Wisdom School in Beaverton, OR. She is also the author of the new book, Calm and Compassionate Children, in which she shares what she’s learned observing teachers and parents while working more than 22 years in alternative schools.

Connie: Why did you decide to write this book.

Usha: I see parents with the highest aspirations for their children, who want them to be calm and compassionate, but they might not be doing all the things to support those wishes. I wanted to share what I’ve learned and developed

C: My favorite chapters are High Mindedness and Becoming a Calm and Compassionate Adult. Can you talk about those chapters?

U: One thing about becoming calm and compassionate adults, is that we notice our children’s true state of being. We want our children to be happy, but parents are often confused about what that looks like. They confuse excitement with happiness, contentment or joy. Children get excited when they anticipate something. Then they have an emotional crash afterwards. Activities that bring real contentment and joy, whether playing soccer, doing artwork, playing with friends, totally absorb children. We can notice those things and bring more of those activities into their lives. That’s what we want to encourage in children, not the agitated excitement of unfulfilled desires.

One reason kids are not calm and compassionate is that they’re anxious. Parents don’t realize how anxious their children are. Parents being in a hurry and our lifestyle are part of what makes children anxious. It’s also too much information from media, from sex abuse cases to all kinds of violence that makes them anxious. Young children don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with all of that. They are in such a receptive mode. Their hearts are wide open and we should fill those hearts with idealism and things they are hungry for and later when they are more mature introduce the other things. I’m not saying we should censor things, just be aware.

C: What do you say to those who think kids should be tough?

U: I hear that especially from grandparents who might say “If she’s always in that sweet, happy, light place she won’t learn to cope with the real world.” Or “What’s going to happen when they go on to public school where all the kids don’t have this philosophy?” I find it’s the opposite--because the kids are calm and know who they are, they’re not trying to be accepted by everyone. They are just outstanding. They go on to fields like social work or nonprofit or ecological work. And some do go into traditional fields. One of my students who went on to become an airline pilot told me that the biggest difference between him and the kids he met in his private high school was that he knew what he wanted and none of the other students did. It is a big concern, but it is just the opposite. If a child is bullied or is a bully, they’re not going to grow up into happy adults. Whereas kids who feel good about themselves and are confident are more able to make right choices later.

C: Thanks Usha.

Connie Hill works at New Renaissance Bookshop and is a local astrologer. She can be reached at 503-542-4330 ext. 1287 or gmnite@yahoo.com.